Hating to love you
by clyana
Summary: Loving to hate someone is simple, but hating to love them ? Six years of hate, six months of denial. I was lost, he found me. It took one look, one kiss to realize it all. LilyJames oneshot.


Hating to love you

Disclaimer : Obviously I don't own Harry Potter, if I did, I wouldn't bother posting fanfictions on the internet when I could get them published and make a couple more millions. The "ah, fuck it" part comes from _High Fidelity _by Nick Hornby. I recommend the book to anyone who's had the misfortune of not yet reading it.

Summary : Loving to hate someone is simple, but hating to love them ? Six years of hate, six months of denial. I was lost, he found me. It took one look, one kiss to realize it all. Lily/James oneshot.

I hate to think about you

But i just can't stop

You're just sitting there and pondering

Sometimes though I feel your not

You look away never find my gaze

Which hurts me most of all

I know you must hate me

But that's ok as long as I can say

I wish I never met you

I hate to think about you

But I just can't stop please go away

And let me not think about you everyday

_ - Elisabeth Vornbrock_

_5th year :_

"_Hey Evans ! "_

"_What do you want now, Potter ? "_

"_Well you know there's a Hogsmeade weekend coming and – "_

"_In your dreams, Potter. "_

"_You know you can't resist me. "_

"_Argh... "_

_6th year :_

"_Lily wait up ! "_

"_Hey Lily ! Lily ! "_

"_Are you going to ignore me long ? "_

_7th year :_

"_Lily ! "_

"_Get away from me, James, get the hell away from me. Things are bad enough as it is. For Merlin's sake, why don't you just give up ? "_

"_I've tried that ! "_

"_Well try harder ! "_

"_But... I... I love you, Lily. " _

"_Like hell you do. "_

As I was laying on the icy ground, one leg over the other, my elbows supporting me up; gazing at the stars without really seeing them at all; half listening to the lake's waves as they crashed on the shore; a cool winter breeze brushing across my face, freezing my silent tears; a half moon glowing in an overcast sky; a lively feast was currently place inside the warm castle that was Hogwarts, this night of December 31st, 1978, a night I would never forget. I felt no temptation whatsoever to have fun and act as though everything was fine when the reality of it all was quite the contrary.

For one thing my parents were dead, murdered by a certain dark Lord named Voldemort two months ago, except this wizard had grown to become so powerful over the past couple of years that most people didn't even pronounce his name, for fear of fear itself. I was having the hardest time getting over their death and many times had considered suicide an option. That's when I got to realize that would be running away from the problems of life I was born to face, the people I was born to defy. This decision to fight back only extended the will for vengeance flowing through my veins. Apart from Slytherins ecstatic about this inextricable situation, harassing muggle borns such as myself as much as they possibly could and who's behavior I didn't imagine I could stand much longer, I hated Death Eaters most, for if it weren't for them, none of this would have been happening. What sort of excessive greed and hunger for power took over these men and women into committing such unnamable crimes ? I'll always wonder. The wizarding world was complete chaos, muggle killings being reported every week in growing numbers and the power of the dark side increasing dramatically. The only safe place seemed to be Hogwarts, and even there, you still found future Death Eaters. Becoming an Auror therefore became my objective.

The only family I had left was my sister, who considered me a freak, an enemy for being a witch unlike her. She had never accepted me this way and I had given up years ago trying to convince her I had always stayed the same. Her jealousy on the issue would lead us into never making any contact whatsoever for the rest of our lives. She even utterly ignored me when I came for our parents' funeral.

Strangely, I found I couldn't really rely on my friends either. Sure they were there for me in the beginning but how could they possibly have the slightest impression of how much I was suffering when they hadn't lived through such or a similar experience and they had barely known my parents in the first place ? They just didn't understand, I don't think they ever did. But I couldn't blame them of course. Words simply couldn't explain this feeling.

To top it all off, _he_ just had to enter the picture. One way or another, I always found my mind and every thought invaded day and night by this one person. Someone I had well grown to despise during my fist six years at Hogwarts. The way he was just a constant show off to the whole school, the way he ruffled his hair stupidly, his ever-so-famous mischievous grin which played continually on his lips, the way his fan club of girls followed him around, drooling over him, the fact that he never took anything seriously, the way he thought himself better than everyone... He simply disgusted me to no end and our diverse arguments would never reach an end either. However, if my hatred towards him was so strongly felt, then why did I find myself constantly thinking about him ?

As unthinkable as it may have seemed, he somehow changed slightly... a bit... ok a lot. Maturity had finally sunken into him over last summer and even though I would have never admitted it in a million years, he actually had been a pretty good Head Boy for the past four months, when I had expected anyone else to do a better job than him. Why did I feel like _he_ of all people understood me ? Maybe it was the fact that he too had lost his parents in a Voldemort attack ( so many students did these days, even Slytherins ) : first real thing we ever had in common. Or that he actually listened to me, he wasn't telling me what I should or shouldn't do, he was just listening and that's all I needed. He was there for me and we got... closer. But I didn't let it get out of hand, anyway I had a fun time trying. How can you expect a guy you've said no to for three years to suddenly give up on you and then become your friend ? I thought it'd be enough for him, well it sure wasn't. In any case, I guess you could have said we became friends. That is, until I broke the whole friendship off. Until I let him down, threw him away like an old sock, as though I had been using him the whole time. It hadn't been my intention and I wasn't proud of it but it had to be done... right ? Because a more than friendly relationship was clearly impossible between us, him getting over me was crucial and being friends didn't help in the slightest. So it made sense, _right ?_ See what I mean ? I was literally drowning myself in confusion. I kept doubting. In the end I wasn't even thinking, just acting by what I felt at that instant, and of course, it happened to be frustration. Frustration for which I found him for cause. Inside and out, I blamed him for everything : it was so easy. Yet deep down I knew I was the one responsible for the mess that had been created.

I didn't have the strength, nor the courage to even look at him for the weeks that followed. I ignored him to no lengths, refusing to talk to him at all, though that didn't stop him from trying. But deliberately or not, I had grown to care for him. I missed him but I kept convincing myself the best way for him to get over me in order to move on was for him to stay away from me, that he'd be happy in the end, and from his happiness would originate mine. I wanted nothing but my peace of mind and I knew I wouldn't find it until he found his. But as weeks passed and I still made no contact with him whatsoever, I fell into depression and my friends couldn't help but point out that he had done the same.

I was lost, in every interpretation of the term.

I was lost... and he found me.

I heard footsteps behind me, coming my way, the person's feet casually carrying him across the snow. Panic momentarily possessed every fiber of my being : I wanted to run away but couldn't find my legs, I felt glued to the ground. I knew it was him. Who else would it be ? As usual I didn't look up when he arrived by my side, not when he sat down in silence, taking the exact same position as me. Why was he here ? Didn't he understand he was only making things worse ? Even if he didn't care about his own happiness, didn't he care about mine ?

For the longest time, neither of us uttered a word. I gradually became calmer, feeling for secure, the panic deserting me. He was the only one who could do this to me : anger me to hell and then calm me down in an instant.

Suddenly the castle began to shout as one voice :

"10... 9... 8... " I had almost forgotten.

"... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... HAPPY NEW YEAR'S ! "

1979. The start of a new year...

_Of a new life, _that inner voice of mine said.

Maybe I just needed to start... something new. Thoughtful, I went up into a sitting position and took a real look at him for the first time in weeks. God, he looked a mess. His face looked paler but he'd lost none of his good looks. His beautiful hazel eyes that were once light up with sparks were now piercing into my emerald ones, overwhelming me as they always had since the end of sixth year. Still he said nothing, without moving an inch, eyeing me desperately, as though begging for comprehension. It was pure torment to see him this hurt, this downcast, especially when I knew it was my entire fault. I just wanted the pain to leave him, to leave me, to leave _us_.

Without the slightest second though to what I was doing, I leaned down over his body, a hand on each side of him, and instinctively placed my lips on his, letting go of all thought and emotion that invaded me, unconsciously hoping he would be able to let go of all of his as well. I freed myself of all the sadness, the pressure, the despair, the hate. It all went into that one passionate kiss he returned to me. He sat up without breaking it and brought his hands to my lower back and mine traveled to his messy coal black hair. I felt like my lips were on fire. The kiss held such passion, such urgency. I had never kissed and I would never kiss again anyone the same way I kissed him at that moment. My mind was screaming : _Stop ! What the hell are you doing ? Back away !_ But I was more than bloody tired of listening to my brain. My heart was finally getting some attention.

As the kiss ended and he looked at me mildly surprised, realization hit me with the force of a meteorite crashing on earth. This couldn't presumably be happening.

"I'm sorry James – I... I don't know what I was thinking... " I gasped. I had ruined it all... again. What the hell had gotten into me ?! I got up quickly and was about to ran off when he grabbed my wrist, holding me back.. I spun around to face him.

"You're probably tired of hearing this but I'll never give up on you, Lily. I never will, " he declared determinedly.

"Well why don't you ? It's not that hard, is it ? " I cried. He chuckled to himself

"I wake up _every _morning telling myself that day will be the day I get over you and it just takes one glimpse at you to get me to fail every time. Hell I must have tried this a million times in fact. But it ain't that easy forgetting someone you're in love with, " he replied. I stood there, shocked. _In love with ?_ Sure he'd told me he loved me before but none of those times had had the necessary effect for me to actually believe it. Why was he making this so hard ?

"This'll never work, " I sighed.

"Why can't it ? Is it your Head Girl reputation holding you back, or that fact that you feel nothing for me ? Tell me, Lily. Look me in the eyes and tell me you feel nothing for me, " he demanded.

I looked up, his gaze met mine. I felt like I was going to faint.

"I... I don't... " I stumbled and stammered and couldn't find the words. "It's not the bloody point ! Why do you persist on chasing me anyway ? "

"You're not asking me this are you ? " he asked incredulously.

"Answer the goddamn question, " I replied exasperated.

"Well did it ever occur to you that I might find you the most amazing girl I've ever met ? Or that I thought you're absolutely stunning ? Not to mention you're smart, funny, thoughtful, ambitious, I could spend hours doing this ! " he exclaimed.

"Well I'm not the only smart, funny, thoughtful, ambitious girl on this goddamn planet ! Why don't you find someone else ? Unless you haven't noticed, most of the female population at Hogwarts wants to go out with you ! " I shouted.

"God you are slow ! You think I give a damn about any of those girls ? I-couldn't-care-less ! You're the only one for me ! And don't tell me you're doing just great now that we no longer have a relationship whatsoever. You barely eat, you talk to no one, you stay in your dorm all day. Do you even have a social life anymore ? " he questioned irritably.

"Let go of me, " I hissed crossly, trying to break free from his grasp.

"Now why would I do that ? _Why_ are you denying this ? " he inquired.

"_I'm_ in denial ? " I snapped.

"Please, if you're not in denial, why did you just kiss me ? " he asked.

"Cause... I... I have no fucking idea why I just kissed you ! " I cried which wasn't all lie.

"Well _that _explains a lot ! " he exclaimed in aggravation.

"You think it's easy ?! " I screamed at the top of my lungs. "You don't know half of what I'm going through ! You don't – how would you feel if... argh !!! "

Once more I tried getting away but he only strengthened his grip on my arm. I took deep breaths, looking away from him at all costs.

"Let go of me, " I demanded in a whisper, on the verge of tears once more, although it was more of a plea than a demand.

"I would help you if you only let me, " he said in a calm yet desperate voice. "You have to understand that I'm not anywhere close to forgetting about you. You're the one reason I still live on this goddamn planet ! You think you're the only one suffering ? The only one who's lost her parents ? Why don't you stop being so stubborn, admit the facts and just accept them ?! "

"You know what ? FINE ! " I raged, suddenly finding the strength from who-knows-where to get rid of the hand keeping from running the hell out of there sooner. "What if I _am_ madly in love with you ? What if - " I stopped abruptly, shocked by the meaning of the words I had unwillingly let slip. It was over.

James couldn't help but smile in a half exasperated, half amused fashion. He didn't have to force himself to laugh either, as though the whole thing was a play we were rehearsing for. Funny was definitely _not_ the word I would I chosen to describe the situation. I stood frozen to the spot, utterly aghast and it took a while before I reacted.

"Did I just say that ? " I asked slowly in absolute seriousness.

"Unquestionably, " he merely answered.

"Well... I mean... it was just to - "

"Shut me up ? "

"Look, don't get me wrong, it's not like... "

"Like you meant it ? "

"Uh... "

"Sure you didn't, " he whispered sardonically, his face suddenly a whole lot closer to mine and the mischievous look his eyes were reflecting unconditionally overpowering.

"You can't - don't you dare - "

"Kiss you ? Stop me, " he defied as he took one step closer so our faces were just inches apart. I felt weak, my knees were going to give in any second, I was sure of it. I would faint and _die_. I took a few steps backwards in order to escape him but he just followed me closely until my back met a tree, the distance between us having only been reduced. I was trapped. His eyes held such intensity I couldn't look away. I could feel his breath on my cheek. Oh god...

"James –"I began but felt interrupted by the sudden presence of his lips on my neck, which send ice cold shivers down my spine. My bewilderment was such that I couldn't find the strength to push him back. I stopped breathing and leaned against the tree as he drew a path of kisses on my skin, gradually proceeding higher and higher. He reached the top of my neck... my chin... my cheek... then placed a slow, soft subtle kiss in the corner of my mouth, which I reluctantly enjoyed even though I would have married Snape before I kissed James back. But it was too much, I simply couldn't take it...

"I just... don't want to get hurt, " I finally admitted desperately, more to myself than to him, the tears I had fought to pull back sliding down my face. A deep feeling of insecurity swarmed over me with the speed and strength of a bullet being shot. James' presence meant betrayal and pain by knowledge, but protection and love by instinct. I couldn't see which reality was.

His gaze changed, it became loving, caring. He brought his hand to my face and delicately wiped the tears away with his thumb.

"You think I only want to be with you because you're the only one I can't have ? You couldn't be further from the truth, Lils. I love you more than anything in the world. I would do everything and anything for you. You know I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you, " he whispered.

"It's inevitable and you know it. "

"But what's life without risk ? "

" Please... just don't do this, " was all I could uncertainly muster saying, my forehead now touching his. I refused to look into his eyes, I couldn't.

"Do _what_ ? " he inquired urgently, without the slightest speck of sarcasm, catching my gaze yet again, after having easily dissipated my resistance, and unwilling to let go. I tried hard to see past those orbs of hazel, to see the truth I longed for, but found that I couldn't. There was simply nothing beyond them to see. There was no implicit, no hidden meaning. He was speaking the mere truth, the deepest honesty accompanying his words. Not even the cruelest creature could have seen betrayal and pain in them..

_Look away. Don't give in. don't let him get to you..._ ah, fuck it.

"Hell don't stop, " I muttered under my breath before seizing the back of his neck and pulling him into an electric kiss. I felt free beyond words.

"You have _any_ idea... how much I hate loving you ? " I asked breathless, once it was humanly impossible for us to continue kissing and live to tell the tale.

"Same here, " he replied,. smiling slightly.

"So... I guess I have a question for you, " I told him. I'd never imagined I would one day be the one doing this, but it just seemed right this way. It was up to me, not him.

"I wonder what that could be, " he said corrosively.

"Shut up. "

"All right. "

Silence.

"So... " he said.

"I thought I told you to shut up. "

"You sure did. "

"So do as I say. "

He laughed but stayed quiet. Silence. I took a deep breath.

"James Potter, will you forgive me for being a stubborn, ignorant bitch in denial and be my boyfriend ? "

"Hum... I'll think about it, " he replied, grinning that mischievous grin of his, which I suddenly found charming.

"Do you _actually_ want me to go back to hating you ? " I asked dangerously. "You'll have wasted what ? Three years of your life ? "

"Ah, you love me too much to do that, Lils, " he smiled.

"And you me to risk it. "

"Risks will take you far. "

"How far exactly ? "

"I guess we'll see, " he smiled before leaning in to kiss me. As much as I was dying to do the same, I turned my head away.

"You didn't answer my question, " I reminded him.

"I did too ! " he cried.

"Well you're answer's just not going to work for me, " I explained. He sighed :

"Yes, Lils, I forgive you for being a stubborn, ignorant bitch in denial and yes, I'll be your boyfriend. "

"You're _that_ desperate to kiss me ? " I asked, acting surprised.

"_Yes_, I've waited three years, " he answered annoyed.

"I thought you never gave up on anything, " I tormented him.

"Well I _do_, just shut up, " he said exasperated before locking his lips to mine. He was truly a good kisser too. Actually, great was quite the understatement. Let's just say I had the time of my life kissing the guy I'd been rather unconsciously and unwillingly in love with for the past six months...

Then it started raining. Hard. Who ever heard of rain in the middle of winter again ? Probably some weird climate change. Well anyway, there we were, getting drenched to our skins. How romantic. Actually, James _did_ look hot with his wet hair falling brilliantly into his eyes. How I managed to deny his hotness for so long was beyond me.

"Think we should get back ? " he asked as thunder struck, lighting up the dark sky in a symphony of black and gold.

"No let's just freeze to death, " I suggested. So we made our way ( running like hell ) back to the castle, my fingers enlaced in his. As soon as we entered the Great Hall, we got stares from just about everyone. And it wasn't from the fact that we were soaked. Who except our closest friends, had ever heard of James Potter and Lily Evans, let alone agreeing on anything, but _holding hands ???_

"I _knew_ it ! You owe me money, Remus ! " a voice exclaimed from one end of the Gryffindor table.

"What are you talking about ?! It's 12:34, which means we're January first ! " Remus retorted from the other end.

"We said New Year's Eve and it's new Year's Eve, pal ! " Sirius shouted, now only half interested in trading pranking equipment with Frank Longbottom.

"No it ain't ! " Remus responded incredulously.

By that time, the Great Hall had erupted into laughter, even at the staff table, Dumbledore laughing harder than anyone else.

"Are you _that_ hungry ? " I asked James. Even though I had quite enjoyed his best friends' argument, I was starting to receive murderous looks from jealous girls at pretty much every table, their uncontrollable whispering didn't go unnoticed either and I didn't feel like getting into irrelevant get-away-from-Jamesie-or-we'll-hex-you-into-oblivion(-even-though-we-obviously-don't-have-the-brains-to-do-that) controversies just yet.

" Absolutely not, " he replied as we left the Great hall for the empty Gryffindor common room. Three flights of stairs, two corridors and a drying spell later, we arrived in front of the Fat Lady, who refused to let us in for the simple reason that she didn't believe for a second that James and I could possibly be together. Therefore, we had to be imposters. After ten minutes of reciting every password we'd ever had since the beginning of the year in order to convince her, the portrait finally let us in, but not without a suspicious glare. We settled on the couch near the fire, James wrapped his arms around my waist and I truly had never felt more serene in my life. I started dozing off, my head lying on his lap as he ran a gentle hand through my hair. I don't know how long we stayed like this before I fell asleep, but I remember enjoying every second of it...

You know, I had never really believed in true love, nor destiny for that matter. I thought you made your future, you're in total control, you're responsible for what happens to you. I hadn't quite understood the "meant to be " theory back then. I though " meant to be "s simply didn't exist. However, this night of December 31st, 1978, I was proven wrong. James and I _were_ meant to be and ( unconsciously or not ), he had realized that since the beginning. That's why he had bothered to chase me for so long, because he knew it'd prevail. It took me a while longer to come to that conclusion, but in any case, I guess you can call it fate...

A/N : Liked it ? Then review. Didn't like it ? Review anyway. Either way, just tell me what you think. I don't know when Lily and James graduated from Hogwarts so I just said it was 1979. I'm working on an actual L/J fiction currently, I just wrote this oneshot in the middle to see what people thought of my writing. French reviews are more than welcome.


End file.
